Just a Tin Can
by DDG
Summary: Everyone just wants Snake to finish his mission and to stop singing those damn songs.


Just a Tin Can  
written by DDG

Disclaimer: Metal Gear Solid totally not mine.

--

Sometimes, we all just have urges that compel us to do something we're not proud of. Snake may deny it, but in truth more happened during that conversation between himself and the Major at the beginning of Operation: Snake Eater. (Following written in script form)

-

11:30 PM, August 30, 1964- Arctic Ocean airspace

(A sleek jet flies through the darkness of the night sky)

**Pilot: **Currently flying over the Arctic Ocean. Altitude 30,000 feet. Approaching Soviet airspace. Arriving at the designated drone launch point. Drone oil pressure and voltage are nominal. Payload oxygen supply is nominal. Power supply to payload antifreeze system shows no problems. No gusts. All systems go for drone detachment.

**Major Zero: **Snake, we can't risk a HALO jump this time around. Airspace security has gotten tighter since we were last here. We can't get as close to the ground as we did during the Virtuous mission. So instead, we'll be using one of our newest weapons. Snake, you're being given an honor on par with Alan Shepard. This is our last chance. Show your patriotism. If you fail, you'll be back in a hospital bed again waiting for the firing squad.

(Snake glances around the pod-shaped drone he's sitting in. A song suddenly pops into his head. He's not sure how he knows it, but he has the ominous urge to burst out singing it)

**Snake: **Major, I feel like I'm . . . (he grits his teeth) sitting in a tin can. You sure the walls on this thing are thick enough?

**Major Zero: **Of course they are Snake. We wouldn't have sent you out in it if they weren't.

(Snake bites his lip to stop from singing the song ringing in his head)

**Major Zero: **Now Snake, remember that —

(A large bang is heard)

**Snake: **Major!

**Major Zero: **Snake! What happened?

**Snake:** I was testing the thickness of the walls.

**Major Zero:** . . . and?

**Snake: **I, uh, made a dent. Kind of a large one.

**Major Zero:** As long as it doesn't interfere with the drone's aerodynamics, you should be okay.

**Snake:** But Major —

**Major Zero:** Yes, what is it Snake? Make it quick—the drone will be launching soon.

**Snake:** Its just that, now I really feel like I'm sitting in a tin can.

**Major Zero:** Because of the dent?

**Snake:** No; someone spilt coffee grinds on the armrest.

**Major Zero:** Snake! This is no time for playing arou—

**Snake:** Ground Control to Major Tom . . .

(And thus, Snake began singing, finally quenching his thirst)

**Major Zero:** Snake, are you alright?

(The music to the song "Space Oddity" by David Bowie begins playing in the background)

**Major Zero:** Who's playing that music? Sigint! Turn it off!

**Sigint:** Major, its not me. Try Para-Medic. She looks suspicious enough.

**Para-Medic:** Its not me, Major.

**Snake:** Ground Control to Major Tom . . .

(Snake's singing had started out slightly hushed but the volume of his voice was growing with every lyric)

**Para-Medic:** What are you babbling about Snake?

**Snake:** Take your protein pills and put your helmet on . . .

**Major Zero:** Ah, good advice Snake! Everyone—protein pills, helmets, now!

**Sigint:** Major!

**Major Zero:** Oh, sorry. Got carried away there.

**Snake:** Ground Control to Major Tom . . .

**Major Zero:** What's this "Major Tom" business, Snake? I thought we went through this already. My codename is Major Zero, not Major Tom.

**Para-Medic:** He's singing a song, Major.

**Major Zero:** Are you sure? I've never heard a song like that before.

**Para-Medic:** Me either, but apparently Snake has. Where'd you hear it Snake?

**Snake:** Commencing countdown, engines on . . . check ignition and may God's love be with you . . .

**Major Zero:** Snake! Its not time to launch the drone yet! Stop what ever it is that you're doing!

**Sigint:** All the signals coming from the drone are the same from when we last heard from the pilot. Snake hasn't touched anything.

**Para-Medic:** He's just singing a song to lighten the mood. You know, cheer us all up.

**Major Zero:** Snake is a professional agent. He has no business singing songs, especially at the start of a very important mission!

**Snake:** Ten, Nine, Eight, Seven, Six, Five, Four, Three, Two, One, Liftoff . . . this is Ground Control to Major Tom . . .

(Still not believing a word Para-Medic has said, Major Zero sighs and decides to play along with Snake's "little game")

**Major Zero:** Yes, _ground control_, this is Major Tom here.

**Snake: **You've really made the grade . . .

**Major Zero:** Well thank you. I try my best.

**Snake:** And the papers want to know whose shirts you wear . . .

**Major Zero:** My own of course.

**Snake: **Now it's time to leave the capsule if you dare . . .

**Major Zero:** Leave the capsule if I dare . . . ? (The Major glances around and notices the room is slightly circular) Snake, is there something you've forgotten to mention? You're not planning to kill us all just because you don't want to kill The Boss, are you?

**Snake: **This is Major Tom to Ground Control . . .

**Major Zero:** Wait a second, Snake! How can you be Major Tom? I'm Major Tom!

**Para-Medic:** I guess Snake wants to be Major Tom now.

**Sigint:** I should see why. Ground Control's a sucky part. It'd be much better to play the Major.

**Major Zero:** I am the commander of the mission! I will not be —

**Snake:** I'm stepping through the door . . .

**Major Zero:** Through the . . . what! Snake! No! You'll kill yourself!

**Snake:** And I'm floating in a most peculiar way . . .

(The Major angrily turns to Para-Medic)

**Major Zero:** What kind of drugs did you inject into him before this mission! The man's acting as if he's high!

**Para-Medic:** Major, how many times do I have to tell you —

**Sigint:** Don't even bother, Para-Medic. The Major wont listen to reason.

**Major Zero:** Reason? Of course I'll listen to reason, as long as it's reasonable!

**Sigint:** Well that sure made a whole load of sense . . .

**Snake: **And the stars look very different today . . .

**Major Zero:** Yes, I'm sure the stars look very different when you're free falling to Earth with no parachute on, no protection at all . . .

**Snake:** For here . . . am I sitting in a tin can . . .

**Major Zero:** Sitting in a tin can? Snake, thank God! You're still inside the drone!

**Snake:** Far above the world . . . planet Earth is blue . . . and there's nothing I can do . . .

**Major Zero:** Snake, are you trying to imply that you are in fact NOT in the drone but, but —

**Sigint:** . . . in space?

**Para-Medic:** In space? If Snake is in space, then who's in the drone?

(Panic grips the control room and people scurry back and forth between computers to try and find out who exactly is inside the drone)

**Snake:** Though I'm past one hundred thousand miles . . . I'm feeling very still . . . and I think my spaceship knows which way to go . . .

(The control room is in utter chaos as Snake sings more words confirming that he is not in the drone, but in fact, up in space in a spaceship)

**Snake:** Tell my wife I love her very much she knows . . .

(Dead silence ensues in the control room)

**Major Zero:** Snake, when . . . when did you get married?

**Para-Medic:** I always thought you were just a sick bastard . . . I mean, bachelor. But, now that I know you have a wife . . . I feel sorry for her.

**Sigint:** I find it kind of funny.

**Major Zero:** This is not a humorous matter! Snake is in space! He's not in the drone and instead, some imposter is about to ruin this mission!

**Para-Medic:** Well, there's nothing we can do about it.

(The Major falls to his knees, tears forming in his eyes)

**Major Zero:** Tell the firing squads . . . I'll be there in ten.

**Sigint:** Righty-o, Major.

**Snake: **Ground Control to Major Tom . . . your circuit's dead, there's something wrong . . .

**Major Zero/Para-Medic/Sigint:** WHAT?

(The Major rushes over to the nearest computer)

**Major Zero:** This thing isn't beeping or flashing! There's no master alarm going off! There can't be something —

**Para-Medic:** (she giggles slightly) Snake's not in the drone—remember, Major?

**Major Zero:** Yes! Of course I remember! But, then that means . . .

**Sigint:** Snake's spaceship circuit board has something wrong with it. And he's going to die . . . in space.

(Sigint and Para-Medic stifle their laughter as the Major begins panicking)

**Major Zero:** Not only am I going to the firing squads, but possibly the greatest spy ever to walk across the Earth is doomed to die a horrible death, stuck up in space in a . . . tin can.

**Snake: **Can you hear me, Major Tom?

**Major Zero:** Yes! Yes! I can hear you Snake! Loud and clear! What's the matter?

**Snake:** Can you hear me, Major Tom?

**Major Zero:** What's your situation? How can we be of help?

**Snake: **Can you hear me, Major Tom?

**Major Zero: **Dear God, Snake! Tell us what's wrong with your ship! I can hear you loud and clear!

**Snake: **Can you . . .

(A fizzling, crackling noise can be heard over the radio as Snake crinkles some aluminum foil)

**Major Zero:** Snake? SNAKE!

(The Major grabs the nearest analyst and shakes him roughly, demanding to know what the hell has happened to Snake)

**Snake: **Here am I floating round my tin can . . .

**Major Zero:** . . . S-Snake?

**Snake: **Far above the Moon . . .

**Major Zero: **Snake! What happened earlier? The radio—it sounded like we'd lost transmission!

**Snake:** Planet Earth is blue . . .

**Para-Medic:** Gee, Snake, did you figure that out all on your own?

**Sigint:** Give the guy a break, Para-Medic. Its your fault he's in this condition.

**Para-Medic:** My fault? My fault? If anything it's your fault!

**Sigint:** There's no way its my fault. Its you who probably drove him mad, talking about all those damn movies every time he called . . . the shot was just the finishing touch, wasn't it?

**Para-Medic:** That shot was a standard shot! If anyone drove him mad, it was you! Always rambling on about how camouflage that matches your surroundings makes your camo index go up! Maybe all he wanted to do was look cute for a change . . . maybe he wanted the guards to see him and admire his GA-KO camouflage!

**Snake:** And there's nothing I can do.

(The Major can be seen, sitting on the floor in the fetal position. He'd finally lost it)

**Major Zero:** Snake . . . in space . . . dead . . . firing squad . . . mission failed . . .

(The song that had forced itself out of his mouth finally finished, Snake returned to speaking normally)

**Snake:** Hey, I think the pilot just said we're about to launch the drone.

(Upon hearing Snake's regular voice, not his horrible, scratchy singing one, the Major was back by Para-Medic and Sigint in a flash, his headset back over his ears)

**Major Zero:** Yes, Snake, that sounds about right.

**Para-Medic:** Say, Snake.

**Snake:** Yeah?

**Para-Medic:** That song you were singing . . . what was it called?

**Snake:** Huh? What song?

**Para-Medic:** That song you were just singing a few minutes ago. Caused everyone to go into panic mode. The Major broke down, started crying. Sigint and I got into an argument about who was making you go crazy the fastest.

**Snake:** Oh, that song.

**Para-Medic:** Yes, that song.

**Snake:** Space Oddity, I think.

**Para-Medic:** Space Oddity? Never heard of it.

**Snake:** Me neither.

**Para-Medic:** But, you just —

**Major Zero:** Never mind, Para-Medic. The two of you can talk about it later. Its time to launch the drone . . .

**Sigint:** So, you got any other songs planned for us Snake?

**Snake:** Nah, not really. That one just seemed appropriate . . .

**Para-Medic:** You just said that you didn't even know —

**Snake:** You have to understand, Para-Medic. The words just kind of . . . came to me.

**Para-Medic:** Came to you? What kind of logic is that?

**Snake:** My logic.

**Para-Medic:** . . .

**Sigint:** Well Snake, don't go crazy in there.

**Snake:** I'll try not to.

**Sigint:** Good. (Sigint turns his headset off for a moment and turns around) Hey, any bets on what song he'll end up singing next? (A few of the analysts around the room shrug and shout out suggestions, but say they don't have any money to gamble with)

**Snake:** Well, I sure as hell hope this tin can will get me to the ground safely . . .

**Major Zero:** Snake, its not a tin can. It's our latest weapon. A highly aerodynamic drone built specially to . . . .

**Para-Medic:** Someone just launch the damn drone already!

**Pilot:** Launching drone in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . drone launched successfully.

**Para-Medic:** Thank God.

**Sigint:** Say, Snake.

**Snake:** Yeah? Talk fast, I gotta pay attention to these screens in front of me.

**Sigint:** Keep your day job, Snake. Keep your day job.

**Snake:** What do you mean by that?

**Major Zero:** He means that you're destined to continue working with FOX, Snake.

**Sigint:** Actually, what I meant was —

**Para-Medic:** Snake, you're a horrible singer, alright? Your voice was all scratchy and . . . the whole song just sounded . . . really bad. Especially when you tried raising your voice to a higher pitch.

**Sigint:** I thought my eardrums were going to burst . . .

**Snake:** Thanks for the encouragement . . .


End file.
